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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.