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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box