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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?