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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".