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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
I only accept apologies in cash.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.