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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.