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off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving Iām going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.