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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!