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I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
Iām positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.