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You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?