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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.