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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.