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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.