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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.