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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Iām not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.