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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
I just want you to be happy. And naked.