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Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.