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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.