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Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?