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United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.