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My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out Iām not fat. Iām a panda.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.