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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?