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It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.