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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
High-five a veteran today.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.