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According to my nipples, summer is over
Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I like people... From a distance.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.