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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
It saddens me to think that I`ll never be able to watch my own a$$ as I walk away :(
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke