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First fart at my new job.
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.