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Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)