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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.