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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Iām trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke