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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.