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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.