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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.