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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t