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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles