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Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.