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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.