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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.