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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Iām tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.