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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?