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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?