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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...