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If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.