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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Sex, do it for the kids.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time