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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.