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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.