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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
My brain has too many tabs open.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?