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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.