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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99