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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.