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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.