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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"