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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.