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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?