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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole