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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Iām going to start telling women that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
The only clubs Iām into are sandwiches.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?