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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
If you can’t face it, moon it.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."