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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|