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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.