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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
The word bed looks like a bed.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
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