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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.