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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.