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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.