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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out